Head Up! Wings Out!

Jesus saved my life in April of 2013, not just spiritually, but also literally. When I met Jesus in the floor of our master bathroom, I had no hope left. I had lost most of my friends, had no family relationships, and the relationship with my parents was complicated. I also had strained professional relationships, and now my marriage seemed to be unrepairable. My life was a shell of what it used to be prior to giving birth to our first child. The very thing I feared the most was happening; I had a child and now was losing my marriage. I asked my husband to accompany me to therapy and he absolutely refused. I told him that I felt our marriage was over and that I wanted a divorce. I started packing our son’s things first to display how serious I was. The screaming match we had at that moment sent me running to our master bathroom. I was sitting in the floor with sobbing tears streaming down my face with no hope left. I was devastated because everything I was resisting, was fighting back. I sat there contemplating which way out of this life would be the less traumatic for my young son. My first thought was swallowing a bottle of pills, but I did not think the pills we had would work. My second thought was slitting my throat, but I was concerned with the level of trauma that would leave our son. I finally decided I would drive my car in the river down the street and drown. Then I could be found by a stranger and my family would only have to hear about it. In my mental sickness, I could not see that this would be just as traumatic. I stood up, opened the bathroom door, and there sat my husband on the side of our bed. I stormed off to the kitchen to grab my keys, but then quickly realized my husband already had them. I ran back to our master bathroom and cried out to God and asked Him to rescue me. I could no longer go on feeling trapped in my mind, in my anger, and in the unhappy marriage. I didn’t realize that that was my moment of salvation, but I am so grateful that Jesus met me in that moment. Suddenly, I stopped sobbing and felt an overwhelming peace come over me. I stood up and walked out of that bathroom and informed my husband that I would attend therapy on my own. I had to cancel the appointment for that day because I was no longer going to make it on time.  I realize now that I was trying to be a victim of my circumstances, but God used it all to teach me that I am a victor, not a victim. Now I feel I have the purpose to teach others the importance of faith in Jesus. He is the hope that shows up in the pain and can use the brokenness to help others.

A few weeks later, I would attend a woman’s retreat conference with a girlfriend, that I had a not so friendly history with, and we had just forgiven each other for it. The conference title, Among Friends, is the only reason I agreed to go because friendships was the very thing that I was struggling with. A long road trip to Intercourse, Pennsylvania was the only thing that I wasn’t sure of. Being alone in the car together for that long was new territory for me and I was not sure I was interested. She told me to give it some thought and let her know. It was that title that would not let go of me. So, I agreed to go and it was at that very conference that I gave my life to Christ. I learned that God has a purpose for my pain, I just have to be patient and trust His process. There was a speaker there by the name of Angela Thomas, who really spoke to me about “being the sunshine” as she shared her testimony of being a “broken down Jesus girl” that was now divorced with kids and didn’t think she would ever find anyone to accept her and her kids. Then she met her husband, and not only did he accept all of them, he ended up being someone she had known all of her life. It provided some sunshine in my darkness to know that I can make it through anything. As John 1:5 states, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (New International Version). I now realize that every tear I have cried has been water for the garden of my purpose. He placed a story within my pain for victory in the call that has been placed on my life. There is a grave level of need in our society today for faith in God because without it there is no hope. I can speak from experience when I say that without my faith, I would not have made it out to tell this story. Now that I have a strong faith in God, and believe that Jesus died for the payment of my sins, I am able to withstand everything in life that tries to tear me back down in to that hopelessness. I now press through everything knowing that there is a purpose for my pain, just as it states in Psalm 119:71: “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” (New International Version). I would not know Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior had I not been afflicted. I believe that faith that has not been tested, cannot be trusted. I learn better from teachers that have experience in the subject matter they are teaching. I believe faith in Jesus is no different; I am blessed to be a blessing. God has allowed me to endure things to help others through their own set of circumstances. I no longer have to endure hardships; I get to endure hardships for His glory.

            In 2015, I surprised my husband with a Valentine’s getaway to Hershey Pennsylvania for a Weekend to Remember marriage conference. I did not tell him it was a marriage conference, I told him I wanted to get away with him for the weekend and work on us. I knew if I told him what it actually was, he would never go. Our marriage was still in shambles, but I was praying and learning about God more every day. I started attending a church near our home alone because he refused to go, so I knew this was my only chance. It ended up being exactly what God would use to save our marriage and rebuild it with him in the center. When we returned home, he started attending church with me. One particular Sunday, we both felt God lay it on our hearts to have another baby. We only ever wanted one child, so this was extremely strange for both of us. We found out we were pregnant and I decided it was time to get baptized. God had been doing so much in and around me, that I just felt it was the right time. So, I got baptized at 10 weeks pregnant and 3 weeks later, the day after Thanksgiving, we lost the baby. The journey to cling to my brand-new faith was one experience that I can never forget. It was so heart wrenching trying to understand how the same God that I just gave my life to, saved my life, my marriage, and just gave us this dream of a bigger family could allow this to happen. I would later learn that it was this very struggle that fed my husband’s faith. He walked away from God in his youth after his grandfather passed away. He said that to watch someone new to the faith, get baptized with a baby, and then lose that same baby and not lose faith, was inspiring. What no one understood was that I had to cling to God, because there was nothing else that could help me through that. I also couldn’t forget where I was when He found me, half naked on my bathroom floor ready to check out. Once I learned that this fight was helping someone else find their faith restored, was giving me more reason to fight back the darkness and the doubt in God.

I have now been called out of my pain of rejection, abandonment, and self-hatred into a purpose of love, acceptance, and encouragement. I have learned through my experiences that people trust those who have walked through their own fire and can share their burn scars to provide the hope of redemption. People seem to respond better to personal faith shared than to people who recite scripture. I think in the lesson of redemption, experience will always trump education because of the wisdom one gets from experience. Experience united with education can move mountains in the world of salvation. I have been out of school now for 23 years and have very little knowledge left of anything I learned in those 12 years, except what I could apply to life through my experiences. I have always said that if I had the money to go to college and attain further education, it would be in Psychology.

Psychology has always been a passion of mine, unpacking my emotional baggage has truly changed my way of thinking. Changing my mind to new possibilities and learning how my thinking is what trapped me in the suicidal thought process. For instance, a lot of my anger and rage stemmed from my relationship with my mother. I was holding her hostage in my emotions to all that she had done wrong, not fully understanding until now that she did the best she could. She was mentally and emotionally abused by her own mother and really was not sure of who she was as a woman trying to raise a daughter. We have both since learned together and through each other how to love each other and ourselves correctly. We started with Ephesians 4:32, which states “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (English Standard Version).

Self-love is the first step in understanding how God feels about me as an individual. To dislike anything about myself is like telling God His work is not good. If I am to love like the Lord does and not as society tells me to, then I must remove the lens of filters and look at myself through the lens of love. Without true self love and acceptance, I cannot truly love Jesus or others as I have been called to in Matthew 22:36-40, which states “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (New International Version). How can I truly follow the Lord and have faith if I don’t know how to love properly? I was full of indignation before Jesus rescued me. It ruined every relationship I had, most importantly the one I had with the Lord and myself. As I work through the courses to obtain my Associate’s Degree in Psychology, my journey is starting to make sense. I used to wonder why I had to go through the things that I went through and now I know that had I not gone through them, I would not be who I am today: a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, and follower of Jesus. I now want to share with the world the story that used to embarrass me to even think about. I want my little part of the world to see the full love of Christ and all He has to offer through me. I now understand on a deeper level that I do not have to be perfect to follow Him; I just have to be willing, open, and transparent.

In 2017, I started battling suicidal thoughts. It was a bit concerning for a number of reasons, one being the fact that I did not understand how something God had healed could come back. I shared this struggle with a few people because I knew that I was not going to go back to any of that. A few of them loved me harder and more passionately, prayed me through, and spoke life to me. Others became awkward, distant, and made me feel unclean. Once I got through the storm, I looked around and could see clearly how God was using it to teach me how desperate people are to share their struggle of suicide, but don’t out of fear of rejections and judgment. Words of affirmation in this prideful world are what makes the difference. This world does not know what to do with this level of vulnerability and out of fear of what to do, they just shun it and turn away from it. Then it becomes easier for those struggling to smile and put on the show. I hear it every time someone brings up Robin Williams apparent suicide, sharing how they thought he was so happy, and he was so funny. It’s easier than sharing what you are truly struggling with and having that person make you feel worse for sharing it. I used to fear rejection myself; however, now I embrace it for the wisdom it provides.