Head Up! Wings Out!

What’s that all about?

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. -Maya Angelou

I couldn’t understand how I had a heart that could long so deeply for love and support of a family, yet that was not my current experience. It was until I hit my young adult years and divorce, family scandal and heartache became too much, and the family tree rotted and died. I didn’t realize then, but I do now, it made way for generational curses to be broken for my new family tree to take root. Healed and healthy to provide the life for my children that I so desperately long for myself.

Then therapy started taking root and the pain I had been running from and numbing started to unravel… I started realizing friend relationships were repeating the same pattern, Then I realized in-law relationships were repeating the same pattern. This is when I went deeper in the dark, alone, wandering. All these relationships mirrored each other because there was something wrong with my perspective. There was something I was doing wrong to create this pattern. Self-accountability has always been high for me.

I thought God sent me this person I used to refer to as “my angel”, because every day I
thought about driving straight in to a tree and ending it all on my way home, they would ask for a ride, leaving me to fight another day.

Often times on these rides, I would have moments that I called “light bulbs” where I would receive a new perspective on something, thanks to the therapist they had introduced me to. I now see that was the Holy Spirit being sent to me for help. I had no compass and no purpose until then. I had a husband, a home, a job and a child but no sense of direction or purpose. Do you know how desperately sad that is?

I started sharing more and more with this angel as I truly believed God put them there to help me. Not fully knowing what I know now about the Holy Spirit and God. However, the more I shared, the more confusing things got. I then started wondering why I wasn’t truly being heard for what I meant by my words. Why were they so desperately seeking rides with me? When the world wanted nothing to do with me, why were they there?

I started praying to God to help me, guide me and make sense of it all. I started sharing less and even shared that I stopped going to therapy because my therapist told me to “find a new friend”, even though I was growing and learning more than ever in therapy.

God told me to protect my heart, He was going to show me things that only I would understand, and I would now believe in Him more than ever. Once I stopped sharing and started listening, things became clear. I was starting to understand things on a level I never knew existed. I was stepping outside of the mind and stepping in to the spiritual.

I’m so glad God told me to do it alone. The angel found things weren’t right for them.
They needed to move on, and I supported that. Things weren’t right and I knew it, they
shared quite a bit with me too. I don’t like that I even have to share any of this, however, it’s relevant to the story. If it wasn’t for this, I would have never found God and my Journey for Truth would have never taken place.

God wastes nothing. Trust Him in all things, especially the dark. I shared the dream of writing a book with this person and they asked me, in a handwritten note, to make sure they get a signed copy someday. Well, I have to say I struggle with whether or not to do that now. Things got pretty ugly and ended badly, so maybe they will purchase it one day and read it instead. We are both at peace and that’s the way I’d like to leave it.

I hope they do get to read it one day and know that I am truly grateful for the good and the bad that took place because it’s exactly what I needed to heal.

I want to simply say thank you! You did more for me than anyone ever had. I now know more about Jesus and His heart! Jesus couldn’t get to the cross without Judas.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:11-13